Wednesday, March 25, 2009

dear diary

Yesterday was a prime example of too many activities, too few parents. Dan was on his 24-hour shift first of all, leaving me in charge of everything at the home front. That usually isn't so much an issue, but when you have four things scheduled for the exact same time, well, it's problematic.

Cameron's first baseball game and Ethan's Kindergarten Roundup were the two I really had a hard time deciding on--Ethan's t-ball practice and a last minute church activity were getting tabled.

I decided the priority was Cam's first game. And since the game was supposed to end at 6:30, I thought if I really hustled, we could make it to the last 15 minutes of kindergarten roundup.

So, it had already been a weird kind of emotional day--my aunt passing, my best friend in the hospital with possible sepsis, and other things--but we marched on to the game. Cameron is young, the youngest on the team, so his immaturity shows. He sits down, plays in the dirt, walks too slow, doesn't pay attention, frustrates me to no end, but as they finished the third inning and the full hour, I felt relief in knowing we might be able to scurry out and head over to the kindergarten thing. Then another inning started. And then another! Come to find out coach-pitch games for this age group are an hour and a half. I wouldn't have been frustrated if Cameron was at least playing right and doing well, but he was being so goofy; I got discouraged.

As we finally left (long after Ethan's event was over) I couldn't help but get emotional in the car. We'd just missed the last kindergarten registration I'd ever be able to attend for one of my kids--Ethan's first venture as a future elementary school student, and my last "first" as a parent. Such a silly stupid thing, but I couldn't help just crying hot tears as I drove home, questioning my decision and my desire to do it all with the only two hands God gave me.

Sometimes there's no right or wrong answer...there's just a choice to be made and you deal with the consequences of your decision. Ethan won't know what he's missed. I'll register him for school in the office without him, sometime next week. But I know, as a parent. These little tugs on my uterus are killer these days.

Ridiculous.

Unnecessary.

Pointless.

Human.

Natural.

I worked out some crazy killer turbodance last night, putting into it every ounce of any disappointment in myself, sadness over missing a little one's event, and frustration over the whole dumb day.

13 comments:

Roger said...

The solution is quite simple really. You'll just have to have another child. :)

Christine #2 said...

You totally kicked butt last night at turbodance. I understand the frustration...I sometimes feel the same

Deana :) said...

We've all been there at some point, Amie! Hang in there. You're an awesome mommy! :)

Anonymous said...

Yep, I agree with Roger, it must be time to have another......maybe a little emotional girl for you.....

B

wittygal said...

Why do we beat ourselves up like that? You know you are your own worst critic, right? I took my kiddo to Kinder Round Up and she looked at me and said "Was that it? That was dumb." So darned if we do, darned if we don't.

wittygal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Casey Lu said...

I am so sorry for your loss Amie and for you missing out on your last "First" moment with Ethan. I really hope everything is ok with your friend in the hospital, I was just in there last night myself. I hope she will be ok! I hope you will be ok, if there is anything I can do let me know. I am sorry for just now, letting you know (things here have been crazy) but Cali is going to be blessed this Sunday if you would like to attend. My service starts at noon. :)

Lorie said...

It is hard when we can't do everything. But there are a lot of firsts left, so don't be discouraged.

And I am going to ask a question that probably isn't going to help the situation and you can just tell me to shut up (or be quiet if you don't say shut up in your house) but are you sure you are done?

Shut up Lorie! ;D

Kendra said...

I'm sorry Amie. I understand your feelings. All of them.

This comes with complete sincerity, and honesty. Please call me if you need some extra hands (or an extra driver). I can't read your mind, but I can answer your phone call. I know a lot of people, including myself, who would gladly help you, and who would be grateful you thought enough of them to call and ask for help. We're not meant to tough it out alone. That's why we're sisters.

Love you Amie.

Dahlene said...

Oh, Amie, I'm sorry. Life is full of choices and sometimes we wonder if we made the right ones. Your boys know you love them and in the end they will tell you that you are the best mother in the world.

tammiauayfuay@cox.net said...

Man that is busy. I am sorry to hear about your aunt. take care, tammi

jinxi~ aka angi said...

I understand and am sorry that you were sad. You did what you thought was best. Big hugs!

At least you had the option. {I totally missed my son-Justices very 1st day of school ever.. and his first ballgames} Its ok..

Christy said...

So sorry for your crappy week! I hope this week only brings happiness and chocolate.......always chocolate. :)