Monday, November 17, 2008

the little girl that never was

Dear diary,

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine had a sweet little baby girl and named her Natalie. Natalie Mae. Isn't that the sweetest name? I personally love it, because it's so similar to the name Danny and I had chosen for our some-day baby girl the first time we got pregnant 10 years ago. Our choice was Natalie Jade, and we were going to call her "Tallie."

For some reason, that name just stuck. With all three pregnancies, once we knew we were having boys, we didn't really decide on the name until the boys were born. We usually had two choices in mind until we saw the little guy make his entrance into the world. With Sean, the second choice was Brady. And with Cameron, the second choice was Ethan. And lastly with Ethan, the second choice was Jacob.

But never with a girl; I pretty much never waivered on that name. I always loved it. And not necessarily because my great-grandma's name was Natalie (she went by Dolly) although I love that reason too. It was just her name. The name meant for our some-day baby girl. A name we never got to use.

And although I know my family is complete, it still pains me a little to hear of someone else getting their Natalie. Our Natalie. My Natalie. I read my friend's blog the other day and saw the sweet newborn pictures of Natalie Mae and could not stop the tears from spilling just a little. The decision to stop at 3 was not easy for me; Danny had pretty much been sure since after Ethan was born, but I just wasn't for a while. I wanted to know, without a doubt. It took me two long years of fasting and praying and temple attendance to get my answer. Though it took me a while, even when I received my without-a-doubt answer, I wasn't necessarily joyful over it. I felt complete and accepted the answer, but I wasn't necessarily happy about it. Does that make sense?

Yet I still feel the tiniest bit of loss knowing I'll never get to dress up a little baby girl in frilly dresses or curl hair or pierce ears. No Daddy/Daughter dates or sending off daughters to the prom. No training bras or laurel projects, no weddings to put on, and no daughter to overjoy with when she has her first baby. No one to share clothes with or take to Relief Society functions with. No staying up late giggling over chick flicks together and no mother-daughter duets around the piano.

Yeah, I feel a little bit of a loss. But I didn't feel it so much until someone else was blessed with the opportunity of their own baby Natalie to start fresh with. I actually dread the day I'll meet her for the first time (inevitable as we run in pretty similar close circles) in fear that I'll be unhealthily jealous. The thought of holding her for the first time and feeling what might have been--it already gets me emotional.

I guess I should say something now about how lucky I am to have three wonderful boys who are healthy and spunky and all so different in their little personalities. And I guess I should mention how much I love them and would not trade them for any baby girl ever ever ever. And I guess I should delight in the wondeful family Heavenly Father has blessed me with and put under my stewardship.

I should. But for just this minute, let me mourn the loss of someone I'd wanted for 10 years but won't get to meet, at least in this life. For just this minute, let me cry.


leaner said...

One of your boys will probably marry a Natalie Jade, or she will be your grandchild. Just wait. If you feel that strongly about this little girl that you never had... eventually she will get to you. Just wait.

I know what you mean though- only I feel it about boys. I am jealous of baby boys, and Will said he is done (but hasn't taken action towards staying that way.) I am not, there is a boy who is supposed to come to our family. I know him, and miss him even though I haven't met him. So I totally know how you feel.

Christine #2 said...

I am totally crying right now. You can borrow Sophie whenever you get the craving, sometimes I think she feels like you are her other mom. I couldn't think of a better person to share her with :)

OneHappyfamily said...

Oh I am right there with you on this one. I feel God has truely blessed me with 2 amazing children. However I see a couple more in my life, even though my tubes are fried! Maybe they will be my grandbabies. Natalie Mae is a beautiful name. Hugs to you.

Jenna said...

I will let you borrow Natalie anytime! I'm sorry that I've caused you pain though. Just think, I may never have a baby boy, fathers and sons, or fun sports games to attend. I think it would be a hard decision to know when your family is complete even though you get a without a doubt answer. There will always be baby hunger, that's why we will have grandchildren like someone else said. Love you Amie, and I can't wait for you to meet Natalie, she's a firecracker already.

Lorie said...

It is so hard to make the decision to be done. Who knows what the future will hold. Natalie may find a way into your family yet!

Jaime said...

I totally get it, except it with boys for me. I wonder if I will ever be a boy scout mom, or get to see a son on a mission. I'm sure that there are reasons why we have what we do.

April said...

You are an amazing woman to have 3 boys. Think of all the people these boys will touch (including me) and probably bring into the gospel. Your are a true QUEEN in every sense of the word! Just a few more years, you'll have 3 wonderful daughters (in-law) of your own that you can go to RS with, watch girly girl movies with and indulge with. You will also find yourself very lucky to have beautiful Grand-daughters that you can spoil rotten, more than you would have your very own daughters. I love my daughters to death, but sometimes, they can be so much more emotional and needy than boys (I have 2 of each so I can attest)! Although, boys can be a handful in themselves...I digress, anyway, the Lord blesses us with so much and I know you are thankful for what you have, a beautiful family! I'll share my girls with you if you'd like...Baylie just went into YW so anytime you feel like you want to join in, let me know and you can come with anytime!

LIZZEE said...

Oh.. Amie.... There is a reason I always wonder about the son .. that I never had.? that I yearned for. He was gonna be a Ryan James that was Amanda 's name all picked out I so wanted a girl but felt I was having a boy..Then after her no more I am blessed with her but I 'd always wished I also had a boy too... Your an amazing mom and maybe it's because you will be a grandma to nothing but girls.? hugs

jinxi~ aka angi said...

Hugs! Having all boys.. I can relate to everything about the *missed opportunities* but as someone posted above.. maybe there is a Natalie on her way to complete that empty feeling.. you just never know. :)

Margee' said...

Amie, I know exactly how you feel. We always wanted a boy!
After having three girls, we found out we were expecting again. Just a glimmer of hope there for a little boy, didn't happen. Another little girl, an angel.
We did get three grandsons though. There's hope for your little girl!

Melissa said...

You are destined to be a grandma to a Natalie and spoil her in a way you can't spoil your own. My sis is about to have baby boy #4 and she is pleased to not have girls, but has said she looks forward to daughter in laws and possibly a granddaughter or 2. Some people are meant to have boys, others girls, and some have some of each. And it is funny how our family is perfect however it happens.