Monday, August 16, 2010

does this ever happen to you?

I've been having pestering thoughts this past week. Well actually, I think it's been going on all month.

I told Dan jokingly (sort of) that I have no identity. I mean, the kids are back in school, and I'm not. Dan's at work, and I'm not. I get them up and ready and take care of my house and plan the meals and run my mundane errands and I think. . .what am I?

Always in the past, I've had a job, a label so-to-speak, a something to declare as myself. Even when I was just working from home and tending kids, I was a daycare provider. And even when I left that to pursue school full-time, I was a student.

Now that all my pre-reqs are done, and CNA school is finished and in the bag, I feel kind of useless or needless or something, I can't find the right word. Like I'm left wanting. This waiting for Nursing School to pick me up (I've been on the wait-list for 15 months now, am really crossing my fingers for January) is kind of torturous. I've done everything I can, and now I just wait. I'm applying for CNA jobs, but due to Dan's schedule, I can really only do part-time sub/pool positions, and there just aren't that many out there, particularly within 20 miles, or those that don't require 1-2 years of previous experience.

I know it's just a waiting game at this point, and it's not that I necessarily feel lazy or slothful, I just feel like. . .I'm doing nothing and adding very little to society. I feel like I have nothing to call my own at this point. I can't call myself anything other than Mom, which is of course the most important job in the world, I totally know and believe that. But, there's something in me that just needs to be more and be progressing.

Even my church calling has been getting me down lately, and I hate to say that too loudly, because I don't want to ask to be released from my calling as primary pianist--that's not my point. It's just, I've been in there just about 3 years now, and I miss Relief Society and being with the women. I love the kids and I love to play piano for them (really it's the easiest calling in the world, I think) but I sometimes feel that if I were to not show up to church 3 months in a row, hardly anyone would notice.

I'll be volunteering weekly for a hospital nearby, but even that is only 4 hours a week and may be the kind of work I end up doing from home, depending on what exactly they want me to do. And I will still volunteer one full day every week in my kids' classes. So I have things to keep me busy. . .I'm reading a lot and of course there's the house to run, but it all feels kind of. . .eh.

I don't really have a point to this post, just expressing a certain hollowness inside me right now. So here's me, searching for an identity.


Teri said...

not show up for 3 months?? no one notice?? are you crazy?? we love you and appreciate you and believe me we all would notice!!! dont worry about that..the primary program is coming up and then you may be getting some relief after that... as far as how you feel..I totally get it. And I know it gets upsetting and lonely too, but your kids love you and you are doing the best work in your home right now!!! I am sure you know that and are just venting a bit , but really... we all appreciate you and you are awesome!!

Christine #2 said...

You are a friend, a sister, a confidant, a comedian, a artist, a daughter of God. You'll find something soon.

Love ya!

leaner said...

I go through this feeling often. Its like a cycle. I remember at one low point Will actually told me that we had nothing in common because all I do is craft and be a mom. My jaw dropped and I was so hurt.

I have no advice, because if I weren't sick with this pregnancy, I would be feeling the same way.

Lorie said...

I think we have all been there to some degree, and it is sometimes seems depressing, but try to think of it as a really great opportunity to define yourself.

Here are some things that I would do...but of course I am not you so you can ignore me if you like! ;D

I like to try doing something new every day. Maybe a new recipe. Anew project. A new book.

When I am feeling down, I usually feel better if I try to find ways to serve. Even if it is just a random act of kindness. It can be as easy as taking back a shopping cart for someone or something more like calling the RS President and asking if there is someone that could use your help next week.

Set a goal for yourself each week or month. Learn a new song on the piano, go to the Temple once a week for a month. Even something crazy like learning something new every day. I think I am going to try to learn a new ASL sign every day. We have the deaf branch in our ward and they are short on interpreters. I am only so so at signing, so I feel like if I learn a new sign every day, in a month I might feel comfortable enough to try to talk to someone, which may lead to eventually interpreting.

When my kids are all in school (I have a couple of years) I want to take once course a semester at the local Community College, just in stuff I am interested in. History, or Photography. You could even just audit the course!

Or just blog more so we have stuff to read! ;D

I hope you find just the right thing for you!

AZ Sunshine Academy said...

Random acts of service are always rewarding!

OneHappyfamily said...

You are the girl who's books I look for tucked in the reserve section! I felt this way many times over the years. Tonight at dinner ask your kids what matters to them... I bet they tell you, it's YOU! Hugs.

Christine said...

Don't put pressure on yourself to have to fit into a label because life is in constant flux, just when you figure it all out somethings gonna change. The real measure is if you're happy and fulfilled with your life. I believe in continuing education and personal development. New hobbies, new talents, new goals. It all keeps us out of the doldrums and keeps that wind in our sails. And if all else fails you've got lots of friends to help ya when it feels like you've stalled.

*lindsey said...

I feel like that a lot. With Mia in this horrible stage where she shrieks and sobs hysterically no matter what I do,24 hours a day, 7 days a week, a little break sounds nice!

If it were me, I would try to just relax and enjoy it. Soon enough you'll be in the grind of nursing school and be longing for these peaceful days!

So here are some things I like to think I would do:

take a (fill in the blank) class: cooking, dance, yoga (this is me talking, I know you aren't a fan) photography, web design, whatever

learn how to play the guitar

volunteer somewhere, maybe you could try at the hospital and get a little experience too?

start an etsy shop (I would give you free advertising!)

teach piano lessons (I don't actually play the piano, but you do!)

start a lunch group

go to the temple

go visit all the places that everyone else in your family could care less about (desert botanical gardens, scottsdale museum of contemporary art, etc)

Whatever you do, I'm sure it will be amazing! :)

Now I have to go, Mia is ... screaming.

laurie b said...

i think you have been busy for so long (and i mean really, really busy) that you forgot how to just be. enjoy this time because, no doubt, your life will be crazy busy again very soon. take a nap, soak in the tub, read a magazine, ponder some heavy thoughts - whatever. you are so precious and valuable and no label is ever going to change that.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, no work and school for what, a month? Wow, I feel real sorry for you. Try a year a half of submitting resumes and just waiting for someone to call......